Interesting topics

Invincibility seems the worst superpower to have. In 70 years Justin Beiber dies. Then what? You dig up his body? That's necrophilia. Spend 40 years in prison. You're still alive. Then what?

Intermediary Stoplights. Have you heard of them before? They are the stoplights built every time a Walmart is planted. I feel like I get the shaft every time I am stopped by one of these. The next 3 cars in the next 12 hours will be aided by this light, while the next 1200 cars will have wasted 1 minute of their life waiting. I just think those 3 cars are becoming a dictatorship. Here are 1200 people's lives put at a halt all because 3 people want to shop at Walmart. Where is the president of this democracy? I need to talk with him. Unfair!

The transition to the new toothbrush. We all know what that means. Our old toothbrush either got poop on it or we think it got poop on it.

Group therapy and group interviews: both seem very competitive

Free tickets

Stand up comedy is not my real love. I really just love eating. After eating is pooping. And sleeping can be intertwined with pooping, just not together.

My fellow eaters, not all food is created equal. The food you are eating may look free, but there are stipulations. Some of you don't know you're even on a date, but you are. Ladies, if we are on a date, could you please tell me? I can then plan to call my friend up to call me when I'm done eating so I can "take a call."

I don't know what it is about guys sleeping with sluts. I mean you don't need to sleep with them to know that they got something down there. Ah, the bumps are at a positive correlation, crimson inflammation, and a 5 o clock shadow...yep, you got herpes." Now thanks to Barack Obama's HC reform, I'm on my parent's plan till I'm 25. I don't want them to know I've been sleeping with sluts. I go to a walk in clinic. This is the thing about walk ins, the receptionist is always a little nosy.
"Hi sir, welcome to Dr. DOodO" office, how I can I help you"
"I need to see a doctor..."
"And why is that sir?"
"I am feeling sick."
"What are the symptoms?"
"Mild irritation."
"Where sir? Where?
"In the median of my mean, you know..."
"Oh, you that problem. You know, when I was a kid, I married the person before I slept with them. It's just stupid to sleep with a slut before marrying her." You know you're going to catch it...don't need to sleep with them to figure that one out."

And they're overtly condescending like your mother,
"Maybe you should buckle up next time, click it or ticket!"

Americans give way too much power to pee. If a cop pulls you over and you pee your pants, he'll probably let you off the hook. If you pee on public property, you get arrested. So much power in what every person has in the form of yellow streams...why don't just threaten a pee strike in the middle east and provoke a peace treaty?

I don't know what it is about Americans and lines. We will wake up 3 hours ahead of time to wait in line, but either way you're still waiting in line for 3 hours.