10/31/10

I do not want to blog. Ahhhhh, my life is a mixture of wanting that great relationship and not quite finding it. I am at that peak, so close, and I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but its still not quite there. I play peaceful music to calm the pain, but there is that voice in my lovely mind bickering at that desire, wanting to explore it. I feel like I am a loser in a way, in fact I feel like the right girl may be there, but I feel like I am apprehensive to pursue her.

Halloween was the sum of this pursuit, almost making it it but not quite. Should I depend on others to entertain me, am I just coming into right situations with wrong motives? I just want to be loved, cherished for who I am, where I am at, be and just be okay with it. I guess God, my Lord, you are here, and I am here. I choose you over Eve, because you are a God of full-orbed love that can satisfy my desires and ever so vibrant passion. I choose you with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, to grow me, mold me, place me, grace me, and revel at your beautiful son...me. Thank you for loving me.

10/30/10

Thought of the day: I got to get out more...and enjoy the Malibu coast! I have never seen, felt, or experienced such a serene intimacy with me, God, and nature. I am super pumped to hike Escondido Falls, I just hope everyone else can keep up!

I have continued with my last prayer, telling God that I choose him over Eve. It is so liberating to tell God that I choose you, my sole lover.

Time to knock some homework out tomorrow, I got some worshipping to do and papers to write. God be with me when I write my material for my November 18th performance. :)

10/29/10

Wow, I am speechless. God has revealed, and I have witnessed. Goosebumps shiver down my spine, I am not in the state of making sense of things, just wanting to drop all I have and cry. I have hidden away my hurts and lost battles, and hedged them with logic, reasoning, and safety. I need to address those dramatic losses, those insecure moments, and draw close to God's presence in his healing. I have lived in this bubble of safety, squaring away at the last constructed battle that I have made up and defeat, only to sigh in my own designed construction of mediocrity and safe insecurity. I must run from these, and begin to fall in love with the passions that awoke my heart. My sole lover, the very lover of my soul Jesus Christ, I will pray to you this:

"Oh merciful God, come to me in this place, this very place in my heart. I give this to you. I choose you over Eve. I choose your love and friendship and beauty. I give my aching and longing and vulnerable heart to you. Come, and heal me here. Sanctify me. Make me whole and holy in this very place."

The mystery of love is filled with passion, zealous pursuance, breadth, consuming ferocity, an untapped source of lift an renewal of the heart, mind, and soul.

I ask in fullness of your love God, to pursue these things knowing that these things are good, and right for a man.

As I leave this computer, I know I am redeemed for eternity.

Let me leave full of seal for you and romance in good things,

Amen.

10/28/10

Fun filled day packed with class, work, food, and Pumpkin Jesus. I got off work late and drove to church. I  had no idea I would be carving a pumpkin. In fact, Mike Sanders offered me his pumpkin and I happily turned him down, knowing that I never carved pumpkins competitively. I didn't want to make a fool of myself by grabbing out all of that pumpkin grime inside and working aimlessly on making something that might win the eyes of fellow competitors. Even though this was just a church function, my super competitive nature kicked in and I absolutely did not want to start something I could not finish...without winning. However, out of peer pressure, I sarcastically told my friends that I would be carving Jesus in a manger. Little did I know that I would find a sophisticated sketch of Jesus online; I printed out the pattern and taped it onto my pumpkin. I started pulling out all of the grime inside its core, using a scraper to hash out all of the little strings still hanging. I began my carving, and the process took much longer than anticipated. It was too late to turn my pumpkin in for judging, but I kept on with my carving. 20 minutes later, I finished my pumpkin, but Jesus' eye broke off the pumpkin. I felt so bad, I worked so hard on the pumpkin only for the eye to fall out. I showed Tyler, and we found a toothpick to reattach Jesus' eye back on the pumpkin. I put the candles in the pumpkin, and it lit up. My God, it was the most vivid picture of Jesus I have ever seen, and I did it! I felt astonished by the work of art I created. After all of the doubt and complacency in my mind, I completed a work of art that I cherish so dearly. Jesus is looking at me, and his love breaks me into joyous freedom. This story may be used in a future sermon of mine...

10/27/10

I am working on numerous things. A lot of things. It's an overwhelming amount of stuff to process, but I am needing to slow it down a notch. So many things I did this week where I could have just let it be. I am working on myself right now, I have much to surrender to God, my will mainly. I need to let it be with God, because the migraine I got today was a big reminder that I can't do it...not even with people, only with God in the situation can I do anything.
The message I heard today from bilingual chapel really spoke to me. I usually drown my mind away on facebook, but the humility the pastor had while he spoke got me to listen to his heart. I am so used to fabricating messages, and his genuine heart broke through my complacency.  It brought me back to the times I felt so hopeless in myself not being special to serve the kingdom. The pastor brought me to remember the time where I believed and stepped into an overwhelming pure joy of knowing how much God wanted me, loved me, much more than I thought. I remembered how I met God when I was 16, as a forgiving, redeeming lover of my soul. He took care of me, comforted me when I needed it the most, and the memories awoke my longing for that relationship again.
I am now in my room, waiting to go to sleep, but not in the same way I did before. I am not going to go to sleep afraid, angry, or doubtful. I am going to bed faithful, hopeful, redeemed for eternity.